Do Not Turn Your Back Away From Your Dreams

Today I read one of my former blog entries called Why Real Life Stops You From Going After Your Dreams and cried because it has finally happened to me.

Yes, life has intervened and won round one, for now.

Before the first post of this blog, it’s been weeks since I picked up the pen and wrote, slicing my heart open and letting all those words pour forth under my fingertips.

And I’m asking myself, Where the fuck did all those words go?

Because I’ve stopped writing. That’s why.

I’ve stopped writing for weeks and they felt like an eternity that I didn’t let the real words fuel my very heart and soul.

Life had a lot of things planned. Actually, a lot of things planned to fuck up my life. Because I didn’t allow the words hold me sway. I let them go and they lost their power over me. I miss the heavy scratches of my pen, ‘dotting the is and slashing the ts’, the heavy tapping of my keyboard and the proud moment of triumph I feel whenever I hit the mouse button to publish my post.

Because frankly, without words my life loses meaning.

I cease to exist.

I’d be one of those ordinary folks working a 9-5, paying bills and coming home to a doting husband and kids, belly swelling with pregnancy….. I’m not that! And I don’t want to be that. That’s not the life that I want. That’s not who I want to be. And it’s important to realize this time and time again because life always trips you one way or the other. Whether it be the mountains of work handed over to you, uncaring bosses or a new possessive lover who wants to see you everyday and you just want to scream at him, “Leave me alone! I don’t care how much you love me! Give me some space because I have my own needs! I’m an artist!!”

No wonder I’m in a state of catatonic depression these days. No wonder I couldn’t get myself out of the rut. Suffering writer’s block because I allowed myself to be blinded by these FALSE needs, LIES thrust by society, deceitful norms cunningly slipped underneath your gaze, and I think everything would be over, everything would be just fine and soon I’ll be writing, going back to how things were but IT’S NOT. Because if you allow a single day to stop your words, guess what? The single day becomes a single week. A single week becomes a month. A single month turns into a year and before you know it you’d go back to the cycle of sitting on your ass wishing and feeling sorry for yourself. DO NOT ALLOW THAT SINGLE DAY TO HAPPEN. Because you have to go back to square one. And that’s where I’ve been struggling at now.

My pen is not sharp anymore and it isn’t what it used to be. Now it takes me some time to channel the words, to bleed from them, to make love with them, feel pain, joy, euphoria and misery all at once again.

Because I have shut the words out.

Don’t do that. Never turn your back away from your dreams. Always look at them day and night and never, never stop doing them or that happiness that once clung to you like a seductive tango dancer that caressed every pore of your skin would fade away like a whispered piece of gossamer.

I’ve done that and I’ve regretted it.

But after reading this, I hope you won’t. I hope you will dance and make love with your dreams everyday because you deserve that happiness. You deserve that and oh, so much more.

Drink, feel, breathe and live your dreams. Because without them, what else do we have?

Pencil portrait courtesy of my dear friend Reggie Quirong

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